Frequently Asked Questions
Q.) As a female hosting a business meal, how do I gracefully pay the bill, especially if dining with a male client? I often find the bill is presented to the client, and that the client insists upon paying, even though I had extended the invitation. Are there ways to avoid this potentially awkward situation?
A.) The best way to ensure that there is no confusion or even discussion about who will pay the bill is to take care of the matter in advance. You are correct, the person who extends the invitation to a business meal generally pays, and a guest graciously accepts this hospitality. Even so, many guests still offer to pay, split the bill, or leave the tip. Arranging for payment with the maitre d’ or server before sitting down is a smart and sophisticated way to handle the situation, sidestepping any bill discussion and allowing the focus to be where it belongs: upon the building of a successful business relationship.
Q.) For what occasions are gifts required and when are they optional? I am never quite sure.
A.) Unbeknownst to many, gifts are never obligatory. While customary for many occasions, such as weddings, birthdays, christenings and bar mitzvahs, they are still given freely and not as the “price of admission.” The best gifts are those which reveal the great thought that has gone into them. Gifts are always given at the giver’s level of taste, within the giver’s means and with no expectation of reciprocation. Unexpected gifts, with no “occasion” attached, are often the best of all!
Q.) In both social and business situations, I often find myself forgetting the names of people I have just met, or sometimes, of an associate I have known for years! This can be embarrassing in conversations and especially if I have to make an introduction. What do I do when I have forgotten a name, and are there any tips for remembering them?
A.) Is there anyone who cannot relate to getting a name wrong or forgetting it completely, especially when it comes time to make an introduction? It happens to all of us sometimes. This is good news, because others are forgiving of us, at least for the first time or two that it happens. If you have forgotten a name, simply admit it, and say “I am sorry; your name is escaping me” or “My apologies, I know we just me...” Remembering names is a skill, and one worth honing. Some people associate the person with someone in their life who shares the name, or identifies a characteristic that will help them remember, such as “Kelly” with the green eyes. Others use the name immediately and often in the conversation. Whatever works is a good technique, as people want to feel memorable, even if their names are not!
Q.) Is it ever permissible to not shake hands with someone else? Sometimes, I would just rather not, yet I do not want to risk offending anyone.
A.) In the United States, a handshake is the accepted greeting in both social and professional settings. The only polite way to refuse an outstretched hand is to apologize and say you are under the weather, that you think you may be coming down with something or that you are injured. This may or may not be completely true, but it is the only way to avoid offending or embarrassing someone who has offered you their hand.
Q.) Is it permissible to take a telephone call during a meeting you are not chairing, as long as you apologize, excuse yourself, and quietly leave the room?
A.) Realizing that this is done all the time, the answer is still no. The individual who takes a call during a meeting disrupts its flow, and lets everyone else in the room know that he/she thinks the incoming call is more important than they are, that his/her time is more valuable, and that the purpose of the meeting itself takes a back seat. If one must be available for a call and would still like to attend a meeting, then he/she asks permission of the meeting chair up front, who then decides whether a potential interruption would in fact be a problem. Often times it will not be, and this way, everyone has stayed within the bounds of good manners and consideration for others.
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Q.) When is it appropriate to help someone with their manners? For example, I am often tempted to let others know when they holding their forks incorrectly, or inadvertently making other etiquette mistakes. I assume they would probably like to know, but am not sure if I should.
A.) Despite the best of intentions, you are right, one does not correct another person’s mistake (unless it is that of one’s minor child, and even then, sensitively), even if one thinks the other would want to know. There is only one way to “correct” another and it is to do so obliquely, i.e., by modeling the appropriate behavior, pronouncing the word correctly, etc. We do not correct others because it may cause them embarrassment and potentially harm a relationship, and mostly, because it is simply not our place.
Q.) As a guest at someone’s home for a party or a dinner, must I engage in conversation if I do not know the other guests and/or cannot think of anything to say? Wouldn’t it be better to remain respectfully quiet and let others do the talking?
A.) Although it can be challenging to strike up a conversation with a stranger, especially when we cannot think of anything clever to say, if we have accepted the invitation, we must indeed be willing to talk with whomever we meet. This is less difficult than you might imagine. We often put undue pressure upon ourselves to think of something particularly witty, brilliant or funny to say when that is not at all the expectation others have of us. Simply bringing up tried and true “small talk” topic like the weather (yes, the weather is a terrific ice-breaker) or sports, books, restaurants, movies, local happenings, etc., is all it takes to get a conversation off and running. Just stay away from anything potentially controversial, such as politics or religion, as in getting to know someone new, we are trying to build bridges not erect walls!
Q.) How do I know which fork to use when there are three on the table in front of me, all of approximately the same size?
A.) Always use the fork farthest from the plate first, and work your way in with each subsequent course.
Q.) At a dinner table, which glasses are mine and which are my neighbor’s? At a crowded table, it is sometimes difficult to know.
A.) Your wine and water glasses are always on the right side of the plate, above your knives. Your bread and butter plate is always to the left. One easy way to remember is to think of the acronym “BMW” or “Bread, Meal, Water.”
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